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Little to Say About the Groom

A speech format for The Best Man Speech, May 2013
"I’d like to reassure the bride that, while she may be expecting this speech to be jam-packed with sexual innuendo - it isn’t. It was at first, but my wife made me whip out the naughty bits..."

Going For Laughs All the Way Through

A speech format for The Best Man Speech, March 2013
"Some people have a public fear of speaking, but fortunately I'm not one of them. I just have a phobia of churches, flowers, music, commitment, and iced cakes of above-average height..."

Best Man Speech One-Liners

A selection of one-liners for The Best Man Speech, January 2013
"The newlyweds have asked me to thank you for your wedding gifts. They can't tell you how much they all mean. In my capacity as Best Man, I've promised to hop on eBay and find out..."

Jesus Creator of ‘Take My Wife’ Joke

An article for NewsThump, September 2012
"Magician, after-supper speaker and stand-up comedian; we have to reluctantly accept that JC was one of the top all-round entertainers of the last 2,000 years, right up there with Brucey..."

Wave – 0:32 mins

A promo for The Chop House comedy podcast, March 2012
- “I'm gonna do it. I'm doing it. You ready? Are you ready? Waaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaay!”
- "Just watch the f**king match!"

Two Scots: Objects – 0:24 mins

A promo for The Chop House comedy podcast, February 2012
- “Donna was telling me how she keeps catching her man shagging the couch. And it's not just the couch, either. Kitchen drawers, the video player, Henry Hoover: you name it, he shags it…”

Two Scots: Gym – 0:19 mins

A promo for The Chop House comedy podcast, February 2012
- "So I had this gym induction earlier. And the guy says to us ‘Why're you joining?’ So I says "I wanna get inta shape." Know what he says? "If you're going for a circle you're nearly there"..."

Two Scots: Man – 0:18 mins

A promo for The Chop House comedy podcast, February 2012
- "I says to him, "Look pal, I’m happy here, just leave us alone, will ya?", but he wasnae having none of it. He says to us "No man's an island Bonnie" so I says "What about the Isle of Man?"…”

Two Scots: Twat – 0:24 mins

A promo for The Chop House comedy podcast, February 2012
“She went "Can I just say... you’re a twat". So I said "No you cannae, it's not nice." An' she said "So can I think you're a twat?" So I said "I cannae stop ya". So she said "I think you're a twat"..."

CHERYL COLE: GEORDIE MARTYR?

A competition entry for IdeasTap, June 2011
"Three weeks. That’s all it took. Three measly weeks for Cheryl’s role as chief mollycoddler of the musically mental to be cruelly snatched away. Word is, she was axed for her accent..."

England Must Get Back to Losing Ways

Caught Offside Magazine, December 2010
"After a week of debates, accusations and excuses, England has finally learnt exactly why its World Cup pity plea ended its life nestling in the U-bend of an Alpen-clogged Swiss shitter…”

An End to Fringe Bashing

A competition entry for IdeasTap, November 2010
“This festival sees all of Britain’s most insufferable, preening, self-obsessed performer-brats wobble around on tartan stilts and expose their genitalia with little to no artistic justification..."

Why I Love the Manc Accent

An article for Red C Magazine, January 2010
"When I was growing up, I was always jealous of people with accents. Wouldn’t it be brilliant, I thought, to be able to ask for jellied eels, or a sausage barm, without sounding like a twat..."

Billygean’s Blog: Hooray for the Humdrum

An article for Red C Magazine, December 2009
"I have not always been a big fan of blogs, and it’s the ‘personal diaries’ that have traditionally acquired the majority of my goat. “Come on”, I thought. “Wake up and smell the narcissism"..."