Release Date

Today’s the Day

A short film for Junior Productions, November 2017
"Every morning, Sally goes jogging - and every morning, she sees him. Her perfect man. She fantasises about the happy life they'll share together. Now all she needs to do is ask him out..."

The Man Who Stopped

A short film for Junior Productions, May 2017
"When strolling through a busy market town, a man suddenly stops - frozen to the spot. What on earth has happened? Is he ill? Is he drunk? Is He Jesus? A little girl confronts the mystery..."

Covering Only the Essentials

A speech format for The Best Man Speech, August 2013
"I’m going to try and keep my speech short, and there's a good reason for that. Every minute I keep talking is an extra minute’s delay in witnessing how Paul’s dance lessons worked out..."

Stirring Emotion and Rousing Sentiment

A speech format for The Best Man Speech, July 2013
"I am so grateful to have the friendship of Paul. In my opinion, friendship is the most precious commodity there is. And with the few friends Paul has, it must be especially precious to him..."

Balancing Humour and Sincerity

A speech format for The Best Man Speech, June 2013
"Anybody who's seen Paul and Linda together in their day-to-day life will realize they belong together and make each other complete. She finishes his sentences; he finishes her meals..."

Little to Say About the Groom

A speech format for The Best Man Speech, May 2013
"I’d like to reassure the bride that, while she may be expecting this speech to be jam-packed with sexual innuendo - it isn’t. It was at first, but my wife made me whip out the naughty bits..."

Sending Up the Groom at Every Opportunity

A speech format for The Best Man Speech, April 2013
"I didn’t know Paul in his youth, but I hear he was something of a class clown. He never made anyone laugh, but he did wear make-up, and many of his classmates were troubled by him..."

Going For Laughs All the Way Through

A speech format for The Best Man Speech, March 2013
"Some people have a public fear of speaking, but fortunately I'm not one of them. I just have a phobia of churches, flowers, music, commitment, and iced cakes of above-average height..."

Best Man Speech One-Liners

A selection of one-liners for The Best Man Speech, January 2013
"The newlyweds have asked me to thank you for your wedding gifts. They can't tell you how much they all mean. In my capacity as Best Man, I've promised to hop on eBay and find out..."

Jesus Creator of ‘Take My Wife’ Joke

An article for NewsThump, September 2012
"Magician, after-supper speaker and stand-up comedian; we must reluctantly accept that JC was one of the top all-round entertainers of the last 2,000 years, right up there with Brucey..."

Chalk – 1:08 Mins

A sketch for Mop Up on Kooba Radio, July 2012
- “This chalk outline on the floor: it's a cock and balls. There's the cock... and there's the balls."
- "No, no, sir, that's the murder victim. He was quite a straight, stocky bloke, I suppose..."

Rain – 0:44 Mins

A sketch for Mop Up on Kooba Radio, July 2012
- “Oh my God! What the hell is going on? This is like a mass suicide or something. It's horrific!"
- "Kind of sexy, though..."

Girls – 1:27 Mins

A sketch for Mop Up on Kooba Radio, July 2012
- "I'll be the girl he sees over the fence, skipping in the sprinkler. I'll be the girl who'll lick his grazes better. I'll be the girl whose breasts he'll see leap into action one glorious summer…”

Cockerney – 3:44 Mins

A sketch for the StalkingElk Breakfast Show on NTS Live, July 2012
- “Alright, simmer down. Evenin’ guv'nors - and guv'nesses, 'course - an’ welcome to this ten-week, ten-step Cockney for ‘Mericans class at 'Ollywood College. I'm a Cockerney geezer…”

Meal – 1:40 mins

A sketch from S1, Ep 14 of The Chop House, June 2012
- “To be honest, the dauphinois potatoes were... well... they weren’t especially dauphinois."
- "Yeah, sorry, the chef didn't know what that was, so he just did cheesy chips…”

Swans – 0:38 mins

A sketch from S1, Ep 14 of The Chop House, June 2012
- “Aw, Dave, have a look at those swans over there, swimming together. I'nt they adorable?"
- "Mate for life, you know, swans..."

Records – 1:31 mins

A sketch from S1, Ep 14 of The Chop House, June 2012
- “Hey you, what are you doing in there? Are you - are you tossing off me pig?"
- "That's right. Our records say a pig’s orgasm lasts half and hour. I’m just checking…”

Fate – 1:39 mins

A sketch from S1, Ep 13 of The Chop House, June 2012
- “We haven't seen each other since that night in Bristol. And now here we are more than ten years later in the same cocktail bar in Cancun. There’s only one name for a thing like that…”

Whispers – 0:42 mins

A sketch from S1, Ep 13 of The Chop House, June 2012
- “I’m in trouble, friend. Much trouble. And I need your help. What's happened is [whispers]…”
- "You're kidding me? You kicked a bunny from a tank and now you're off to jail?..."

Commentary – 2:45 mins

A sketch from S1, Ep 11 of The Chop House, June 2012
- “As our hero is taken away by Marinov’s henchmen, we can actually see his mood reflected in the mise-en-scene. You'll notice I used bolder hues of grey and black here than earlier…”

Mao – 1:31 mins

A sketch from S1, Ep 10 of The Chop House, June 2012
- “That photo is of Mao Tse Tung! That weird receding hairline, that giant pimple on the chin, that colourless Soviet-style military outfit. There's even a colossal red sun behind his head…”

Birds – 0:43 mins

A sketch from S1, Ep 9 of The Chop House, June 2012
“I'd like to thank you all for coming along to the annual Bluebell Heath Twitcher Society Night Twitch. We are looking out for a few different species of bird today. In particular, the blue tit…”

Logo – 1:31 mins

A sketch from S1, Ep 8 of The Chop House, May 2012
“And so, I now give you the brand new logo for Bread and Buddha vegetarian restaurant…”
- "Sorry Martin but I'm not sure you've thought this through. That's a swastika..."

Soldier – 0:46 mins

A sketch from S1, Ep 6 of The Chop House, May 2012
- “Right then, so let me get this absolutely straight. Name: unknown. Date of birth: unknown. Address: unknown. Well then, private, I s'pose there's only one name for a chap like you...”

Wave – 0:32 mins

A promo for The Chop House comedy podcast, March 2012
- “I'm gonna do it. I'm doing it. You ready? Are you ready? Waaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaay!”
- "Just watch the f**king match!"

Kidney – 0:34 mins

A promo for The Chop House comedy podcast, March 2012
“Okay, yeah, I'm just pouring it. Lovely cup of tea coming your way. Yeah, of course, I’ll put a couple of Hobnobs on the saucer. Just let me finish this and I'll change the channel for you…”

Tahiti Blue – First Draft Extract

The opening of an in-development script, March 2012
“This is it, Josh. Your golden opportunity. Your chance to take a break, go away, have some fun. Go do the thing you say you'll do every time you lose your job. Take that trip to Tahiti..."

Gogh – 0:13 mins

A sketch recorded for The Chop House but unused, February 2012
- "No, it’s ‘Go’." ... - "It’s ‘Goff’." ... - "'Go'." ... - "'Goff'." ... - "'Go'." ... - "'Goff'." ... - "'Go'."
- "Actually, it’s 'Van Hock'…"

Two Scots: Objects – 0:24 mins

A promo for The Chop House comedy podcast, February 2012
- “Donna was telling me how she keeps catching her man shagging the couch. And is no just the couch, either. Kitchen drawers, the video player, Henry Hoover: you name it, he shags it…”

Two Scots: Gym – 0:19 mins

A promo for The Chop House comedy podcast, February 2012
- "So I had this gym induction earlier. And the guy says to us ‘Why're you joining?’ So I says "I wanna get inta shape." Know what he says? "If you're going for a circle you're nearly there"..."

Two Scots: Man – 0:18 mins

A promo for The Chop House comedy podcast, February 2012
- "I says to him, "Look pal, I’m happy here, just leave us alone, will ya?", but he wasnae having none of it. He says to us "No man's an island Bonnie" so I says "What about the Isle of Man?"…”

Two Scots: Twat – 0:24 mins

A promo for The Chop House comedy podcast, February 2012
“She went "Can I just say... you’re a twat". So I said "No you cannae, it's not nice." An' she said "So can I think you're a twat?" So I said "I cannae stop ya". So she said "I think you're a twat"..."

Killing Time in Europe’s Best Cemeteries

An article for StalkingElk Magazine, November 2011
“An inexorable fixture in every childhood - whether burying your gran, losing your virginity or dabbling in the occult - cemeteries are also great for killing time prior to your own demise..."

Top Marx: When Socialism Meets Tourism

An article for StalkingElk Magazine, July 2011
“China now has more KFC outlets than giant pandas. A mere two decades after some vexed Germans shouted at a wall, the country's about as socialist as Joseph McCarthy in a kaftan..."

CHERYL COLE: GEORDIE MARTYR?

A competition entry for IdeasTap, June 2011
"Three weeks. That’s all it took. Three measly weeks for Cheryl’s role as chief mollycoddler of the musically mental to be cruelly snatched away. Word is, she was axed for her accent..."

Weird Beards and other Bohemian Oddities

An article for StalkingElk Magazine, April 2011
“In the heartlands of Bohemia, Christian institutions offer much more than just war-mongering scripture, cheap magic tricks and kiddy-fiddling clergymen. They offer bizarre trinkets too..."

England Must Get Back to Losing Ways

Caught Offside Magazine, December 2010
"After a week of debates, accusations and excuses, England has finally learnt exactly why its World Cup pity plea ended its life nestling in the U-bend of an Alpen-clogged Swiss shitter…”

An End to Fringe Bashing

A competition entry for IdeasTap, November 2010
“This festival sees all of Britain’s most insufferable, preening, self-obsessed performer-brats wobble around on tartan stilts and expose their genitalia with little to no artistic justification..."

Why I Love the Manc Accent

An article for Red C Magazine, January 2010
"When I was growing up, I was always jealous of people with accents. Wouldn’t it be brilliant, I thought, to be able to ask for jellied eels, or a sausage barm, without sounding like a twat..."

Burj Khalifa – 0:37 Mins

A sketch for Newsjack S2 Ep 1, BBC Radio 4 Extra, January 2010
- “Dubai's Burj Khalifa is more than twice the height of the Empire State Building. Rising to 828 metres in height, it is visible from more than 95 kilometres away. Are there any questions?…”

Billygean’s Blog: Hooray for the Humdrum

An article for Red C Magazine, December 2009
"I have not always been a big fan of blogs, and it’s the ‘personal diaries’ that have traditionally acquired the majority of my goat. “Come on”, I thought. “Wake up and smell the narcissism"..."

The King of Pop – 0:21 mins

A sketch for Newsjack S1, Ep 3 on BBC Radio 7, July 2009
- “Er, I could not believe it when I heard on BBC Radio Scotland that the King of Pop was no more. But in the end I was relieved - I thought for a moment they'd stopped selling Irn Bru…”

The Dating Game – Extract

The opening of an award-nominated play for Artfelt Theatre, May 2008
“Date one; dinner, gentle music, a pinot and a chinwag. Date two; some movie - Hugh Grant - popcorn, benign chatter, maybe a kiss. Date three, go for a quick fumble under the blouse..."

Cutting It At The Edinburgh Fringe

An article for Scriptwriter Magazine, January 2008
“On the city's pretty Royal Mile, actors, singers, dancers, jugglers, stuntpeople, wrestlers and inexplicably semi-naked hypnotists all indiscriminately thrust their pamphlets at passers-by…”

Whatever Happened to the Britcom? (Part Two)

An article for Scriptwriter Magazine, January 2008
"While mainstream sitcoms have to play to the lowest common denominator, recent sitcoms are appealing to niche audiences, so can comment on highly specific cultural phenomena..."

Whatever Happened to the Britcom? (Part One)

An article for Scriptwriter Magazine, November 2007
“If a programme is billed as Sitcom, an audience can expect a thirty-minute, scripted, self-contained narrative comedy involving a small ensemble of recurring fictional characters…”

A Glorious Death – Extract

The opening of an unpublished feature film script, May 2007
“My future was predictable. No, it was worse than that - it was certain. Identical train, identical job, identical woman. I dreamed of something new... but by what right? My life was perfect..."