The Chop House

Chalk – 1:08 Mins

A sketch for Mop Up on Kooba Radio, July 2012
- “This chalk outline on the floor: it's a cock and balls. There's the cock... and there's the balls."
- "No, no, sir, that's the murder victim. He was quite a straight, stocky bloke, I suppose..."

Rain – 0:44 Mins

A sketch for Mop Up on Kooba Radio, July 2012
- “Oh my God! What the hell is going on? This is like a mass suicide or something. It's horrific!"
- "Kind of sexy, though..."

Girls – 1:27 Mins

A sketch for Mop Up on Kooba Radio, July 2012
- "I'll be the girl he sees over the fence, skipping in the sprinkler. I'll be the girl who'll lick his grazes better. I'll be the girl whose breasts he'll see leap into action one glorious summer…”

Cockerney – 3:44 Mins

A sketch for the StalkingElk Breakfast Show on NTS Live, July 2012
- “Alright, simmer down. Evenin’ guv'nors - and guv'nesses, 'course - an’ welcome to this ten-week, ten-step Cockney for ‘Mericans class at 'Ollywood College. I'm a Cockerney geezer…”

Meal – 1:40 mins

A sketch from S1, Ep 14 of The Chop House, June 2012
- “To be honest, the dauphinois potatoes were... well... they weren’t especially dauphinois."
- "Yeah, sorry, the chef didn't know what that was, so he just did cheesy chips…”

Swans – 0:38 mins

A sketch from S1, Ep 14 of The Chop House, June 2012
- “Aw, Dave, have a look at those swans over there, swimming together. I'nt they adorable?"
- "Mate for life, you know, swans..."

Records – 1:31 mins

A sketch from S1, Ep 14 of The Chop House, June 2012
- “Hey you, what are you doing in there? Are you - are you tossing off me pig?"
- "That's right. Our records say a pig’s orgasm lasts half and hour. I’m just checking…”

Fate – 1:39 mins

A sketch from S1, Ep 13 of The Chop House, June 2012
- “We haven't seen each other since that night in Bristol. And now here we are more than ten years later in the same cocktail bar in Cancun. There’s only one name for a thing like that…”

Whispers – 0:42 mins

A sketch from S1, Ep 13 of The Chop House, June 2012
- “I’m in trouble, friend. Much trouble. And I need your help. What's happened is [whispers]…”
- "You're kidding me? You kicked a bunny from a tank and now you're off to jail?..."

Commentary – 2:45 mins

A sketch from S1, Ep 11 of The Chop House, June 2012
- “As our hero is taken away by Marinov’s henchmen, we can actually see his mood reflected in the mise-en-scene. You'll notice I used bolder hues of grey and black here than earlier…”

Mao – 1:31 mins

A sketch from S1, Ep 10 of The Chop House, June 2012
- “That photo is of Mao Tse Tung! That weird receding hairline, that giant pimple on the chin, that colourless Soviet-style military outfit. There's even a colossal red sun behind his head…”

Birds – 0:43 mins

A sketch from S1, Ep 9 of The Chop House, June 2012
“I'd like to thank you all for coming along to the annual Bluebell Heath Twitcher Society Night Twitch. We are looking out for a few different species of bird today. In particular, the blue tit…”

Logo – 1:31 mins

A sketch from S1, Ep 8 of The Chop House, May 2012
“And so, I now give you the brand new logo for Bread and Buddha vegetarian restaurant…”
- "Sorry Martin but I'm not sure you've thought this through. That's a swastika..."

Soldier – 0:46 mins

A sketch from S1, Ep 6 of The Chop House, May 2012
- “Right then, so let me get this absolutely straight. Name: unknown. Date of birth: unknown. Address: unknown. Well then, private, I s'pose there's only one name for a chap like you...”

Wave – 0:32 mins

A promo for The Chop House comedy podcast, March 2012
- “I'm gonna do it. I'm doing it. You ready? Are you ready? Waaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaay!”
- "Just watch the f**king match!"

Kidney – 0:34 mins

A promo for The Chop House comedy podcast, March 2012
“Okay, yeah, I'm just pouring it. Lovely cup of tea coming your way. Yeah, of course, I’ll put a couple of Hobnobs on the saucer. Just let me finish this and I'll change the channel for you…”

Gogh – 0:13 mins

A sketch recorded for The Chop House but unused, February 2012
- "No, it’s ‘Go’." ... - "It’s ‘Goff’." ... - "'Go'." ... - "'Goff'." ... - "'Go'." ... - "'Goff'." ... - "'Go'."
- "Actually, it’s 'Van Hock'…"

Two Scots: Objects – 0:24 mins

A promo for The Chop House comedy podcast, February 2012
- “Donna was telling me how she keeps catching her man shagging the couch. And is no just the couch, either. Kitchen drawers, the video player, Henry Hoover: you name it, he shags it…”

Two Scots: Gym – 0:19 mins

A promo for The Chop House comedy podcast, February 2012
- "So I had this gym induction earlier. And the guy says to us ‘Why're you joining?’ So I says "I wanna get inta shape." Know what he says? "If you're going for a circle you're nearly there"..."

Two Scots: Man – 0:18 mins

A promo for The Chop House comedy podcast, February 2012
- "I says to him, "Look pal, I’m happy here, just leave us alone, will ya?", but he wasnae having none of it. He says to us "No man's an island Bonnie" so I says "What about the Isle of Man?"…”

Two Scots: Twat – 0:24 mins

A promo for The Chop House comedy podcast, February 2012
“She went "Can I just say... you’re a twat". So I said "No you cannae, it's not nice." An' she said "So can I think you're a twat?" So I said "I cannae stop ya". So she said "I think you're a twat"..."