Comedy Writing

Escaping the Fringe crowds in Edinburgh

An article for British Comedy Guide, August 2025

"Why join the masses climbing Arthur's Seat, picnicking in the Meadows or roaming about the Royal Botanic Garden? Get real Fringe respite with these lesser-known Edinburgh escapes..."

Sister Maria

A spirit-themed gag for British Comedy Guide, June 2025

"Sister Maria mixes a superb vodka martini. The best bar nun."
(Winner of the BCG Pro Gag-a-Week competition)

Burma Trip

A resolutions-themed gag for British Comedy Guide, January 2023

"With Pa leaving at Christmas, we can finally do that Burma trip we've always talked about.
It's Me and Ma now." | (Winner of the BCG Pro Gag-a-Week competition)

You’ve Got a Friend in Prince Charles

A sketch for The Skewer S6 Ep 2, BBC Radio 4, April 2022

"Jimmy Saville was awarded a knighthood, one of the highest honours the Crown bestows" "Ha ha, Charlie!"

Peppa Pig World

A sketch for The Skewer S5 Ep 4, BBC Radio 4, November 2021

"My office was vandalised this morning. Some thugs had written 'Tory sleaze' all over it" "Peppa, what a wonderful picture you have painted…"

Stately Homes

An episode of comedy web series The Green & Pleasant Guide, June 2021

"What I love about stately homes, with their opulent banqueting halls, lavish opium parlours, and jewel-encrusted peacock farms, is how relatable they are. But they aren't cheap to run..."

Campsites

An episode of comedy web series The Green & Pleasant Guide, June 2021

"Just because you're camping, that doesn't mean you’re not provoking Mother Nature's wrath. Meet Bluebell Fuffelwuffel, founder of a hip ‘eco-campsite’. Her philosophy? Leave no trace..."

Cows

An episode of comedy web series The Green & Pleasant Guide, June 2021

"Cows' unctuous white piss is also known as 'milk'. Cows that eat oats produce oat milk, cows that eat almonds produce almond milk, and cows that eat beef produce non-viable offspring..."

Rambling

An episode of comedy web series The Green & Pleasant Guide, May 2021

"Every country has its great outdoors. But only Great Britain has the great British outdoors. Each year, we swarm into the countryside like fat wasps around a warm pint of scrumpy..."

Spaghetti

A short film for Junior Productions, July 2020

"As the spaghetti swelled in the boiling water, Bill tried to push it back down into the pan with his spoon. But as there was enough spaghetti for three million people, this was quite tricky..."

Paper Straws: A Public Service Announcement

Comedy sketch filmed as part of 'Birds: Pluck' live show, May 2019

- “Hey, what are you doing? That's my plastic straw."
- "Plastic straw... or whale harpoon? 'Cos as far as I'm concerned, they're the same thing..."

Birds at the Leicester Square Theatre

Comedy sketches performed at Sketch Off!, April 2018

- “You're not using protection? Are you crazy? You know how easily accidents can happen..."
- "I know, I know, but it just... it feels so much better. Try it..."

Today’s the Day

A short film for Junior Productions, November 2017

"Every morning, Sally goes jogging - and every morning, she sees him. Her perfect man. She fantasises about the happy life they'll share together. Now all she needs to do is ask him out..."

The Man Who Stopped

A short film for Junior Productions, May 2017

"When strolling through a busy market town, a man suddenly stops - frozen to the spot. What on earth has happened? Is he ill? Is he drunk? Is He Jesus? A little girl confronts the mystery..."

Covering Only the Essentials

A speech format for The Best Man Speech, August 2013

"I’m going to try and keep my speech short, and there's a good reason for that. Every minute I keep talking is an extra minute’s delay in witnessing how Paul’s dance lessons worked out..."

Stirring Emotion and Rousing Sentiment

A speech format for The Best Man Speech, July 2013

"I am so grateful to have the friendship of Paul. In my opinion, friendship is the most precious commodity there is. And with the few friends Paul has, it must be especially precious to him..."

Balancing Humour and Sincerity

A speech format for The Best Man Speech, June 2013

"Anybody who's seen Paul and Linda together in their day-to-day life will realize they belong together and make each other complete. She finishes his sentences; he finishes her meals..."

Little to Say About the Groom

A speech format for The Best Man Speech, May 2013

"I’d like to reassure the bride that, while she may be expecting this speech to be jam-packed with sexual innuendo - it isn’t. It was at first, but my wife made me whip out the naughty bits..."

Sending Up the Groom at Every Opportunity

A speech format for The Best Man Speech, April 2013

"I didn’t know Paul in his youth, but I hear he was something of a class clown. He never made anyone laugh, but he did wear make-up, and many of his classmates were troubled by him..."

Going For Laughs All the Way Through

A speech format for The Best Man Speech, March 2013

"Some people have a public fear of speaking, but fortunately I'm not one of them. I just have a phobia of churches, flowers, music, commitment, and iced cakes of above-average height..."

Jesus Creator of ‘Take My Wife’ Joke

An article for NewsThump, September 2012

"Magician, after-supper speaker and stand-up comedian; we must reluctantly accept that JC was one of the top all-round entertainers of the last 2,000 years, right up there with Brucey..."

Chalk – 1:08 Mins

A sketch for Mop Up on Kooba Radio, July 2012

- “This chalk outline on the floor: it's a cock and balls. There's the cock... and there's the balls."
- "No, no, sir, that's the murder victim. He was quite a straight, stocky bloke, I suppose..."

Rain – 0:44 Mins

A sketch for Mop Up on Kooba Radio, July 2012

- “Oh my God! What the hell is going on? This is like a mass suicide or something. It's horrific!"
- "Kind of sexy, though..."

Two Scots: Objects

A promo for The Chop House comedy podcast, February 2012

- “Donna was telling me how she keeps catching her man shagging the couch. And is no just the couch, either. Kitchen drawers, the video player, Henry Hoover: you name it, he shags it…”

Two Scots: Gym

A promo for The Chop House comedy podcast, February 2012

- "So I had this gym induction earlier. And the guy says to us ‘Why're you joining?’ So I says "I wanna get inta shape." Know what he says? "If you're going for a circle you're nearly there"..."

Two Scots: Man

A promo for The Chop House comedy podcast, February 2012

- "I says to him, "Look pal, I’m happy here, just leave us alone, will ya?", but he wasnae having none of it. He says to us "No man's an island Bonnie" so I says "What about the Isle of Man?"…”

Two Scots: Twat

A promo for The Chop House comedy podcast, February 2012

“She went "Can I just say... you’re a twat". So I said "No you cannae, it's not nice." An' she said "So can I think you're a twat?" So I said "I cannae stop ya". So she said "I think you're a twat"..."

Killing Time in Europe’s Best Cemeteries

An article for StalkingElk Magazine, November 2011

“An inexorable fixture in every childhood - whether burying your gran, losing your virginity or dabbling in the occult - cemeteries are also great for killing time prior to your own demise..."

Top Marx: When Socialism Meets Tourism

An article for StalkingElk Magazine, July 2011

“China now has more KFC outlets than giant pandas. A mere two decades after some vexed Germans shouted at a wall, the country's about as socialist as Joseph McCarthy in a kaftan..."

Weird Beards and other Bohemian Oddities

An article for StalkingElk Magazine, April 2011

“In the heartlands of Bohemia, Christian institutions offer much more than just war-mongering scripture, cheap magic tricks and kiddy-fiddling clergymen. They offer bizarre trinkets too..."

Why I Love the Manc Accent

An article for Red C Magazine, January 2010

"When I was growing up, I was always jealous of people with accents. Wouldn’t it be brilliant, I thought, to be able to ask for jellied eels, or a sausage barm, without sounding like a twat..."

Burj Khalifa

A sketch for Newsjack S2 Ep 1, BBC Radio 4 Extra, January 2010

“The Burj Khalifa is over twice the height of the Empire State Building. At an unprecedented 828 metres high, it can be seen from over 95 kilometres away. Are there any questions?…”

Billygean’s Blog: Hooray for the Humdrum

An article for Red C Magazine, December 2009

"I have not always been a big fan of blogs, and it’s the ‘personal diaries’ that have traditionally acquired the majority of my goat. “Come on”, I thought. “Wake up and smell the narcissism"..."

The King of Pop

A sketch for Newsjack S1, Ep 3 on BBC Radio 4 Extra, July 2009

“Er, well, I couldnae believe it when I heard on BBC Radio Scotland that the King of Pop was no more. Though in the end I was relieved, 'cos I thought they had stopped selling Irn Bru…”

Cutting It At The Edinburgh Fringe

An article for Scriptwriter Magazine, January 2008

“On the city's pretty Royal Mile, actors, singers, dancers, jugglers, stuntpeople, wrestlers and inexplicably semi-naked hypnotists all indiscriminately thrust their pamphlets at passers-by…”

Whatever Happened to the Britcom? (Part Two)

An article for Scriptwriter Magazine, January 2008

"While mainstream sitcoms have to play to the lowest common denominator, recent sitcoms are appealing to niche audiences, so can comment on highly specific cultural phenomena..."

Whatever Happened to the Britcom? (Part One)

An article for Scriptwriter Magazine, November 2007

“If a programme is billed as Sitcom, an audience can expect a thirty-minute, scripted, self-contained narrative comedy involving a small ensemble of recurring fictional characters…”