Audio

"Jimmy Saville was awarded a knighthood, one of the highest honours the Crown bestows" "Ha ha, Charlie!"

"My office was vandalised this morning. Some thugs had written 'Tory sleaze' all over it" "Peppa, what a wonderful picture you have painted…"

- “This chalk outline on the floor: it's a cock and balls. There's the cock... and there's the balls."
- "No, no, sir, that's the murder victim. He was quite a straight, stocky bloke, I suppose..."

- “Oh my God! What the hell is going on? This is like a mass suicide or something. It's horrific!"
- "Kind of sexy, though..."

“The Burj Khalifa is over twice the height of the Empire State Building. At an unprecedented 828 metres high, it can be seen from over 95 kilometres away. Are there any questions?…”

“Er, well, I couldnae believe it when I heard on BBC Radio Scotland that the King of Pop was no more. Though in the end I was relieved, 'cos I thought they had stopped selling Irn Bru…”