Radio

- “This chalk outline on the floor: it's a cock and balls. There's the cock... and there's the balls."
- "No, no, sir, that's the murder victim. He was quite a straight, stocky bloke, I suppose..."

- “Oh my God! What the hell is going on? This is like a mass suicide or something. It's horrific!"
- "Kind of sexy, though..."

- "I'll be the girl he sees over the fence, skipping in the sprinkler. I'll be the girl who'll lick his grazes better. I'll be the girl whose breasts he'll see leap into action one glorious summer…”

- “Alright, simmer down. Evenin’ guv'nors - and guv'nesses, 'course - an’ welcome to this ten-week, ten-step Cockney for ‘Mericans class at 'Ollywood College. I'm a Cockerney geezer…”

- "No, it’s ‘Go’." ... - "It’s ‘Goff’." ... - "'Go'." ... - "'Goff'." ... - "'Go'." ... - "'Goff'." ... - "'Go'."
- "Actually, it’s 'Van Hock'…"

- “Dubai's Burj Khalifa is more than twice the height of the Empire State Building. Rising to 828 metres in height, it is visible from more than 95 kilometres away. Are there any questions?…”

- “Er, I could not believe it when I heard on BBC Radio Scotland that the King of Pop was no more. But in the end I was relieved - I thought for a moment they'd stopped selling Irn Bru…”